A few months ago, I was driving from Virginia to Georgia, and I was having a conversation with Father where He said “Jackie, Squad Leading is going to be my best gift to you thus far. Don’t wonder if its the right choice- it is. I promise.
Well, weeks later I found myself clinging to that promise while I questioned if it really was the right choice.
For weeks, every time someone asked me “Are you so excited to squad lead?!” I gave my best “Yeah!” and attempted to change the conversation as smoothly as possible. (Which, if you know me, I’m anything but smooth lol).
I’ve been listening to a song on repeat called “I Don’t Wanna Go” by Chris Renzema who is one of my favorite musicians. His lyrics are the most powerful, relatable, raw, and beautiful I’ve heard in a long time. And the chorus of this song says “I don’t wanna go if you’re not going before me.” And I wept (like straight up sobbed) the first time I heard it, because it revealed exactly what I was afraid of, while simultaneously reminding me of exactly what I was created for.
And so I went home and wrote for a long time.
“God, I want to settle down. But I don’t wanna go if you’re not going before me.
I want a steady income job where I don’t have to fundraise anymore. But I don’t wanna go if you’re not going before me.
I want to stay invested in the community I have here. But I don’t wanna go if you’re not going before me.
I want control over my food and gym membership because I’m still on this weightless journey and I don’t want to relinquish the convenience. But I don’t wanna go if you’re not going before me.”
The list went on and on, but you get the picture.
To be honest with you, sometimes I look at my life and in my humanity, I worry that I’m “doing something wrong” because I’m not a married homeowner with babies and a 9-5. Sometimes I get scared that I’ll miss out on some of my biggest desires. But then I realize that my biggest desire, in the deepest part of my heart, is to be where He is, and join in what He is doing. I don’t wanna be anywhere He’s not. I don’t want to live a life where I’m not hand in hand with Him. So Sometimes I may think I don’t wanna go, but where I really don’t wanna go is where He’s not going before me. That’s not a place I want to be.
I know for sure that He loves me too much to let me miss any good and perfect gift. I know for sure that all the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful. I know for sure that His goodness and mercy is pursuing me.
I am really excited to squad lead. I’m really excited to get another 9 months with a bunch of excited people ready to lay their lives down for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m really honored that I get to lead them. I’m really excited for the lessons, I’m really excited for the hard days, I’m really excited for the moments I wonder why the heck I signed up for this…not because anyone enjoys those things…but because I know thats where I’ll find Him the most. And I’m really excited that He is honoring the deepest parts of my heart by leading me into the wild places where He is waiting for me.
“Like Jesus in the garden
Will you take this cup from me
Like Jesus in the garden
You don’t call where you won’t lead
I wanna love like you love
I wanna bleed like you bleed…”
youtube link to the full song below because everyone should go listen to it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4cL_iva9s4
